Tag Archive: gardening


gnomeHere’s yet another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Gnomic Pondering:

The astonishing anthropomorphic success of garden gnomes is based on the simple British proposition that dirty old men are lovable if they wear red hats.

Another Couple of Inches Law:

Any fool who thinks a pool is simply a hole in the ground, filled with water, has never tried to make water level with the surrounding ground.

Corollary- No pool looks aslant until it has been filled with water.

uneven pond -distortedKite’s Fundamentals Relating to the Preservation of Fences:

1. If the paint or preservative is harmless to plants, it will kill the goldfish.

2. If it is clean, quick and simple to use, the large-sized brush recommended won’t fit the pot.

3. If the brush fits the pot and the paint doesn’t write off the goldfish, the plants will probably die anyway.

Painting_a_FenceFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

Copy of John with manureHere’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Taint’s Law:

The compost bin guaranteed to quickly rot waste will:

1. Rot or disintegrate before the compost is mature.

2. Overflow on the first day of use.

3. Harbour the largest hornets’ nest in Christendom.

Law of Chance is a Fine Thing:

It is possible to leave a plant or shrub unwatered and unfed with no effect on its growth or flavour or flowers whatsoever. No gardener will believe you.

Dung Roamin’:

Some people think manure makes plants grow. It does. The plants are trying to escape the smell.

compost

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

224_Garden_TrowelThe latest extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

The Sleeping Bulb Fallacy:

There’s no such thing as a dormant bulb or corm- they’re all lurking underground ready to leap suicidally under the first fork prong or spade.

Poor Law:

The planting of any authentic ‘foreign’ garden will cripple any budget outside its country of origin.

Rule of Bloomin’ Relatives:

Flowers are like people- people can choose their friends but are stuck with their relatives. People can make their own beds and, like flowers, have no choice but to lie on them.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

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Old School Garden

fall-lawn1Here’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Besom’s Truism:

No matter how much dust you sweep under the carpet, you still can’t sweep leaves under the lawn.

Laws of Lawn Clearance:

1. Any lawn cleared thoroughly of course grass and moss will reveal an area of mud supporting deep-rooted plantains.

2. Mud patches never need mowing.

3. The cleared lawn reveals that there was no cultivated grass in the first place.

Digital Law:

Flymos like toes.

 lawn cut fun

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

garden machineryMy seventh post taken from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Technology Maxim:

Gardening is the irresistible march of the machine versus the unstoppable advance of nature.

batmowerMurphy’s Constant:

The perceived usefulness of a powered gardening tool or mechanical gardening apparatus is inversely proportional to its actual claimed usefulness once bought and paid for.

Corollary: Manufacturer’s performance specifications should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Sales people’s claims for performance by a factor of 0.25.

Tungsten Tip:

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that becomes sharper with use.

bike mowerFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

IMG_1014

Old School Garden – 30th October 2014

To Walter Degrasse

Dear Walter,

The clocks have gone back and the evenings are shortening the afternoon gardening sessions. Since I last wrote my gardening activity has stepped up a gear- well it was pretty much in 1st (or maybe even reverse) during September.

The driest September for many a year gave way to (in some parts of the UK) a very wet October. Here it has been fairly calm and though we’ve had some rain it hasn’t been the deluge experienced further north. There’s quite a range of ‘autumn colour’ in the garden right now…

As per normal for the gardening calendar it’s been a month of ‘managed decline’ as well as preparation for next year in Old School Garden. Plenty of leaves to gather up for leaf mould and general tidying away of spent stems and foliage that don’t offer anything by way of ornamental or wildlife value. Unfortunately this has included three large Box balls that have succumbed to Blight- they now await burning in my fire pit area. Looking in the Nurseries their replacements would be around £50 each, given their size! I don’t think I’ll bother, as it gives me a chance to use the remaining balls (3 large and six small), plus two cones a bit more creatively elsewhere in the garden – precisely where is still under debate.

The other tidying has included finally heaving out my enormous sunflowers, so that I now have a pile of what, from a distance, look like pretty thick tree trunks! I’ve also been pruning my Fremontodendron, which continues to thrive against our south-facing front wall and the Sorbaria, which I must say looks nice and neat after its haircut. I’ve also been trimming some of the native hedge between us and our neighbours and cutting out some very sorry-looking Choisya (my guess is that it has got to a size where the poor, panned soil underneath it, coupled with the dry weather, have starved it of moisture). Hopefully what remains will recover.

'Tree trunk' sunflowers awaiting their fate

‘Tree trunk’ sunflowers awaiting their fate

Talking of neighbours, our immediate ones (with us since we moved in 27 years ago), have moved out in the last couple of days, off to a new adventure living on a canal boat! We’ve met our new neighbours, a very pleasant young couple who have been living elsewhere in Norfolk. It also turns out that our next but one neighbour has something of a pest control talent; he has waged war on the moles in his garden and so far the ‘score card’ pinned to his shed reads ‘Norman 21, Moles 0’ ! I’m sort of envious given the problems we’ve had this year. But as I write, the level of mole activity in the garden seems to have calmed a little, though the roadside verge seems as covered with hills as ever- maybe the moles are working out how to tunnel under the road and into the fields beyond- that would be a relief!

You’ll gather that I’m building up quite a supply of green and brown material which is either being composted or burned. The new bonfire pile is in a different spot, having had a big burn up a few weeks ago. This was something of an eye opener as a Tree Surveyor from the power company came running into the garden and, rather agitated, told me to put out the fire! As this was directly under the 11,000 volt power line that crosses the back of our garden, there’s apparently a risk of a ‘Carbon flashback’. This is when smoke of a particular type enables the electricity to ‘power up’ the air underneath the wires with the result that pretty much everything under it is fried! This was news to me, and having had my bonfires in this spot for many years, I wonder how close I’ve come to disaster in the past? Needless to say I’ve now resorted to using the fire pit area (away from the wires) as my bonfire site, and this has also prompted me to start thinking about what to do with the old site and its surrounds – very much a forgotten bit of the garden…more on this in future letters.

The old (unsafe) bonfire area- room for improvement

The old (unsafe) bonfire area- room for improvement

Talking of new designs I’ve been running my garden design course at the local High School again and its been great fun taking 5 more students through the design process for their own projects, which range from someone wanting to create a garden at a primary school to a couple who have been in their house (and large garden) for a few months and are wanting to adjust this to meet their needs (which include an escapist dog!). And my voluntary gardening at Gressenhall Farm and Workhouse Museum continues; yesterday I was doing a bit of ‘willow weaving’ on the tunnel I created in the ‘Curiosity Corner’ for the under 5’s. It looks a bit more tunnel- like again and also with a bit of judicious tying in, should be a bit more robust, as this area (which seems to be very popular), gets a real hammering.

The last month has also been one of planting and sowing. I’ve got two varieties of onion sets in as well as some garlic and Broad Beans, and I’ve just about finished planting out Wallflowers and Sweet Williams alongside Pansies and Violas in a range of pots on the Terrace as well as in various other spots around the garden. The last few peppers are still ripening in the greenhouse so it won’t be much longer before that’s given a clean out and made ready for over wintering duties.

A good year for roses- I've just tied in some of the new growth on the arbour (Rosa 'Zephirine Drouhin')

A good year for roses- i’ve just tied in some of the new growth on the arbour (Rosa ‘Zephirine Drouhin’)

I’ve also cleared and tidied most of the kitchen garden and given the low box edging its final trim- it must be 10 years since I grew these from cuttings and they are just about knitted together as a series of nice little hedges around the raised beds. The clearing away has also included cabbages and cauliflowers which were a disaster this year, none of them having formed any heads. I guess it must be weather related once more.

Box (h)edging tidied up in the kitchen garden

Box (h)edging tidied up in the kitchen garden

Well, I’ve just time to finish cutting the lawn (really it’s a lazy way of collecting leaves) before some friends arrive for an overnight stay. We are also on our travels again this weekend, as we visit friends in Edinburgh, so I think the waterproofs and winter clothes will definitely need to be packed as nearer normal temperatures return!

All the best to Ferdy and you; maybe we’ll meet up before Christmas?

Old School Gardener

 

 

weeding-the-garden1My sixth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Law of respite:

You always dreamed of a garden to relax in. Now you’ve got it, the time spent weeding it cancels out the time spent enjoying it.

Justified sloth:

Reasons against weeding the plot are always much more potent than those in favour.

Tare’s Reality:

Weeds always move in to fill a gardening vacuum.

weedsFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

harvestMy fifth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop recently…..

Glut

The trouble with overspill is that you find yourself being nice to neighbours you never liked.

Corollary: when the radish season is at it’s height, a neighbour in need is a friend indeed.

Plenty

The number of any given relatives, friends,business colleagues and acquantainces a gardener may have at any given time varies in direct proportion to the season; i.e. whether the raspberries and strawberries are ripe.

Corollaries:

1. The number increases or decreases with the type of gardener- the one who picks the fruit for you and the one who says, ‘Help yourself’.

2. Nothing from the country garden is given away, except for a very good reason.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

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