Category: Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening


greenflyA few more clippings from a book I bought in a charity shop last summer ….

Altruism Truism:

A garden is an area of land devoted to growing fruit, flowers and vegetables, which in turn are dedicated to insect rearing.

corollaries;

1. The earth is alive to the sound of mastication.

2. Healthy plants breed healthy bugs.

Law of the vegetable patch:

A dose of insecticide whch would wipe out a medium-size town will do no more than temporarily stun a cabbage white. You can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool the caterpillars.

Law of Killing Generosity:

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but if it comes from a garden centre, do check for trojan aphids somewhere in its anatomy.

A Winning Aside:

In the fight between you, the world and blight, back the blight.

PotatoLateCycleFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

6934950_origOne more extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer (apologies for the gender stereotyping)…..

The Basic law of Weedlock:

The best training for gardening is marriage.

corollaries;

1. Behind every successful gardener is an astonished woman.

2. About the only way to get a gardener nowadays is to marry one.

3. Gardening is a process by which a man finds out what sort of husband his wife thinks she ought to have married.

Every Wife’s Lament:

Gardening expands to exclude all more interesting possibilities.

Law of The Unwelcome Arrival of Spring:

There is nothing so harrowing to the soul of the average married man as the first growth of lawn grass.

lawn-mower-manFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

ulle.b garden booksHere’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Mrs. Brown’s All- Encompassing Law of Gardening:

Gardening is like pregnancy: it is nothing like the book.

Mrs. Murphy’s Literary View:

Gardening books should not be set aside lightly: they should be hurled with great force.

Four Laws of Obfuscation:

1. There are no real secrets to cultivation- only plots.

2. For counter-instructions read every good Gardening Authority.

3. For subtle distinctions (pinched from every good Gardening Authority) read the Sunday newspaper supplements.

4. For contrary advice, listen to ‘her indoors’s’  interpretation of the plagiarism in the Sunday supplements.

'Sunday Supplement' by Sarah Boardman

‘Sunday Supplement’ by Sarah Boardman

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

gnomeHere’s yet another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Gnomic Pondering:

The astonishing anthropomorphic success of garden gnomes is based on the simple British proposition that dirty old men are lovable if they wear red hats.

Another Couple of Inches Law:

Any fool who thinks a pool is simply a hole in the ground, filled with water, has never tried to make water level with the surrounding ground.

Corollary- No pool looks aslant until it has been filled with water.

uneven pond -distortedKite’s Fundamentals Relating to the Preservation of Fences:

1. If the paint or preservative is harmless to plants, it will kill the goldfish.

2. If it is clean, quick and simple to use, the large-sized brush recommended won’t fit the pot.

3. If the brush fits the pot and the paint doesn’t write off the goldfish, the plants will probably die anyway.

Painting_a_FenceFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

Copy of John with manureHere’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Taint’s Law:

The compost bin guaranteed to quickly rot waste will:

1. Rot or disintegrate before the compost is mature.

2. Overflow on the first day of use.

3. Harbour the largest hornets’ nest in Christendom.

Law of Chance is a Fine Thing:

It is possible to leave a plant or shrub unwatered and unfed with no effect on its growth or flavour or flowers whatsoever. No gardener will believe you.

Dung Roamin’:

Some people think manure makes plants grow. It does. The plants are trying to escape the smell.

compost

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

224_Garden_TrowelThe latest extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

The Sleeping Bulb Fallacy:

There’s no such thing as a dormant bulb or corm- they’re all lurking underground ready to leap suicidally under the first fork prong or spade.

Poor Law:

The planting of any authentic ‘foreign’ garden will cripple any budget outside its country of origin.

Rule of Bloomin’ Relatives:

Flowers are like people- people can choose their friends but are stuck with their relatives. People can make their own beds and, like flowers, have no choice but to lie on them.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

fall-lawn1Here’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Besom’s Truism:

No matter how much dust you sweep under the carpet, you still can’t sweep leaves under the lawn.

Laws of Lawn Clearance:

1. Any lawn cleared thoroughly of course grass and moss will reveal an area of mud supporting deep-rooted plantains.

2. Mud patches never need mowing.

3. The cleared lawn reveals that there was no cultivated grass in the first place.

Digital Law:

Flymos like toes.

 lawn cut fun

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

garden machineryMy seventh post taken from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Technology Maxim:

Gardening is the irresistible march of the machine versus the unstoppable advance of nature.

batmowerMurphy’s Constant:

The perceived usefulness of a powered gardening tool or mechanical gardening apparatus is inversely proportional to its actual claimed usefulness once bought and paid for.

Corollary: Manufacturer’s performance specifications should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Sales people’s claims for performance by a factor of 0.25.

Tungsten Tip:

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that becomes sharper with use.

bike mowerFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

weeding-the-garden1My sixth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Law of respite:

You always dreamed of a garden to relax in. Now you’ve got it, the time spent weeding it cancels out the time spent enjoying it.

Justified sloth:

Reasons against weeding the plot are always much more potent than those in favour.

Tare’s Reality:

Weeds always move in to fill a gardening vacuum.

weedsFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

harvestMy fifth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop recently…..

Glut

The trouble with overspill is that you find yourself being nice to neighbours you never liked.

Corollary: when the radish season is at it’s height, a neighbour in need is a friend indeed.

Plenty

The number of any given relatives, friends,business colleagues and acquantainces a gardener may have at any given time varies in direct proportion to the season; i.e. whether the raspberries and strawberries are ripe.

Corollaries:

1. The number increases or decreases with the type of gardener- the one who picks the fruit for you and the one who says, ‘Help yourself’.

2. Nothing from the country garden is given away, except for a very good reason.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

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