Tag Archive: fun


Copy of John with manureHere’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Taint’s Law:

The compost bin guaranteed to quickly rot waste will:

1. Rot or disintegrate before the compost is mature.

2. Overflow on the first day of use.

3. Harbour the largest hornets’ nest in Christendom.

Law of Chance is a Fine Thing:

It is possible to leave a plant or shrub unwatered and unfed with no effect on its growth or flavour or flowers whatsoever. No gardener will believe you.

Dung Roamin’:

Some people think manure makes plants grow. It does. The plants are trying to escape the smell.

compost

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

224_Garden_TrowelThe latest extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

The Sleeping Bulb Fallacy:

There’s no such thing as a dormant bulb or corm- they’re all lurking underground ready to leap suicidally under the first fork prong or spade.

Poor Law:

The planting of any authentic ‘foreign’ garden will cripple any budget outside its country of origin.

Rule of Bloomin’ Relatives:

Flowers are like people- people can choose their friends but are stuck with their relatives. People can make their own beds and, like flowers, have no choice but to lie on them.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

WP_20140924_16_09_00_Pro

Lisbon, Portugal

Old School Gardener

fall-lawn1Here’s another extract from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Besom’s Truism:

No matter how much dust you sweep under the carpet, you still can’t sweep leaves under the lawn.

Laws of Lawn Clearance:

1. Any lawn cleared thoroughly of course grass and moss will reveal an area of mud supporting deep-rooted plantains.

2. Mud patches never need mowing.

3. The cleared lawn reveals that there was no cultivated grass in the first place.

Digital Law:

Flymos like toes.

 lawn cut fun

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

carrot allOld School Gardener

garden machineryMy seventh post taken from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Technology Maxim:

Gardening is the irresistible march of the machine versus the unstoppable advance of nature.

batmowerMurphy’s Constant:

The perceived usefulness of a powered gardening tool or mechanical gardening apparatus is inversely proportional to its actual claimed usefulness once bought and paid for.

Corollary: Manufacturer’s performance specifications should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Sales people’s claims for performance by a factor of 0.25.

Tungsten Tip:

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that becomes sharper with use.

bike mowerFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

weeding-the-garden1My sixth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop in the summer…..

Law of respite:

You always dreamed of a garden to relax in. Now you’ve got it, the time spent weeding it cancels out the time spent enjoying it.

Justified sloth:

Reasons against weeding the plot are always much more potent than those in favour.

Tare’s Reality:

Weeds always move in to fill a gardening vacuum.

weedsFrom : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

harvestMy fifth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop recently…..

Glut

The trouble with overspill is that you find yourself being nice to neighbours you never liked.

Corollary: when the radish season is at it’s height, a neighbour in need is a friend indeed.

Plenty

The number of any given relatives, friends,business colleagues and acquantainces a gardener may have at any given time varies in direct proportion to the season; i.e. whether the raspberries and strawberries are ripe.

Corollaries:

1. The number increases or decreases with the type of gardener- the one who picks the fruit for you and the one who says, ‘Help yourself’.

2. Nothing from the country garden is given away, except for a very good reason.

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

kind-of-herbs‘Herbs are used for two purposes:

a. to add a flavour that isn’t there but should have been;

b. to take away a flavour that is there that shouldn’t be.’

William Rushton ‘The Alternative Gardener’ (1986).

David Bryson reviews this book on Amazon and in it he says :

‘It is quite a few years now since Willie Rushton died from a heart attack, aged barely 60. He had been a prominent figure among the British satirists of the 1960’s, appearing on the BBC shows That Was the Week That Was and Not So Much a Programme. He also contributed in a major way to Private Eye in its effervescent early manner, and continued to grace it with occasional cartoons more or less until his death. He was an exceptionally gifted artist, with a distinctive and unmistakable style, and it is a great and sentimental pleasure to find so much of his drawing in this amusing little volume. As a humorist he was quirky, sometimes a little bit mechanical and indeed occasionally downright unintelligible, but at his best very funny indeed, again in his own very personal way. To my own dying day I shall treasure the memory of a cartoon following outrage among the Conservative government in 1964 that Harold Wilson, then leader of the opposition, had stepped in and settled a strike without saying by your leave or with your leave to the government. Rushton depicted an elderly newspaper vendor in a muffler and cloth cap handing a customer the Evening Standard bearing the headline WILSON ACTING AS IF HE IS PRIME MINISTER. To this Rushton’s old newspaper-seller added `More than you could say for some.’

Old School Gardener

LogoGardenParty2-1My fourth offering from a book I bought in a charity shop recently…..

Rain-making recipes:

1. Get the lawnmower out.

2. Water the garden.

3. Light the barbeque.

4.Throw a garden party.

Dry-up spells:

1. Go abroad for a holiday.

2. Decorate the lounge.

3.Plant out seedlings.

4. Seed the lawn.

lawn seed

From : ‘Mrs. Murphy’s Laws of Gardening’ – Faith Hines (Temple House books, 1992)

Old School Gardener

 

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